to my unborn child

Find someone who, when they come near you hugs you tight. Who breathes you in and when kissing your forehead allows their eyes to flutter closed. Find someone who will offer you fruits as a welcome and a book as a parting gift. Someone who does not believe in goodbyes. You will know it is them when you can smile without reason and they will understand, intuitively, that sometimes pain needs to leak out of the body as tears.

Find someone who will sit quietly with you. Who will teach you to laugh at yourself even if at first the lesson is too harsh to learn. Someone who will ask you if you are hungry but will still bring you food even when you say you are not. Find someone who will call you something soft and make you feel warm and enveloped. Who will reach over and smooth out the wrinkles on your forehead when you start to frown too often.

When in search of this person, try not to rush. Walk slowly. Stop often. Try eating with your hands, so that your skin and your fingers can taste what your stomach already knows. Take your time when stirring your coffee, make sure there is enough milk and cream and sugar. Meditate when on the subway. Get off a stop or two before you need to and walk around mindfully. Buy impulsively for others just because. Look someone dead in the eye and smile.  Do not ask people if they are okay if you plan on walking away. Stay with them til help comes. Send a gift anonymously to that person you once hurt with a card that reads "I'm sorry" and a farewell letter to the one who introduced you to pain. Be patient. This journey is already hard enough without having to do it alone. Collect these people who make you want to feel better. They will provide a roof for you when the weather turns stormy and it will, from time to time. 

But above all, be kind to yourself. You were once a baby who was sticky with love, a child who knew nothing but sweetness and honey and sunshine. Your tiny smile caused butterflies in the hearts of those around you, your laughter created music in our home. You must learn to care for yourself because my love for you will not be enough. Someday you will go out into the world and you will be assaulted by the muted colours, the limp hugs, the broken smiles, the too perfect nail polish, the violent sadness, the heavy loneliness and the exhaustion that comes with caring too little. 


None of this will matter though, if you cannot be the person you search for. Always remember that.